Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t: The Military Spouse Catch-22

Being a military spouse often feels like living in a never-ending Catch-22.

You’re encouraged to finish college—but left without a roadmap when frequent PCS moves derail your plans. And then watching the military clear a pathway for your spouse to do just that.

You’re told to get a job and contribute financially—but criticized if you apply for spouse preference or ask for accommodations.

You’re praised for supporting the mission—but judged if you express frustration about putting your life on hold while your partner advances in theirs. And then accused of being a "dependa" simply because of who you married.

And if you do manage to build a career, raise kids, maintain a household (and maybe keep a dog—or four—alive), you’ll still worry constantly—about deployments, reintegration, and everything in between.

Let’s be clear: being a military spouse is not the hardest job in the military. But it is hard. Full stop.

Civilians don’t get it. Service members often don’t either. And sometimes, the harshest judgment comes from within our own milspouse community.

That needs to change.

We should be lifting each other up—not questioning the decisions others make just because they’re different from our own.

I’ve been on all sides of this journey. My time on active duty was brief, ending when I became a young mom. I didn’t understand the world of military spouses until years later, when I fell in love with a Marine who told me “no” during a TV interview request—and then said “yes” to a lifetime together.

Since then, I’ve been the spouse who moved across the country to follow orders. The spouse who worked two hours away from base. The spouse who left a job she loved because the childcare and logistics no longer made sense. The spouse who held down the fort during overseas assignments. The spouse who supported her kids through cross-country moves—and who saw firsthand how deeply that upheaval affected them.

And then? The spouse who, after weighing all the options, chose to stay in one place—for my career, my children’s stability, and our family’s long-term future despite it being 3,000 miles away.

Not everyone agreed. Some people assumed the worst. A few even offered my husband unsolicited condolences.

But here’s what they didn’t see: two kids thriving in ways they couldn’t before. A teen getting the support he needed to pursue a dream. A career that allowed me to serve and advocate for change.

This isn’t a blog about being a geobachelorette—twice—during our marriage. This is a blog about choices.

About the impossible bind military spouses are often put in—damned if you do, damned if you don’t. And about finally rejecting the idea that there’s one “right” way to do this life.

Because being a military spouse doesn’t mean being invisible. It doesn’t mean being voiceless. And it sure as heck doesn’t mean being stagnant.

It’s okay to follow your dreams—whether that means getting a degree, starting a business, working full-time, homeschooling, freelancing, traveling, painting, building a nonprofit, or simply staying rooted in one place so your teenager can finish high school without yet another upheaval. That last being something I was never able to accomplish.

The truth is: you’re going to get judged either way. So stop chasing approval. Chase purpose. Chase peace. Chase whatever is best for your family.

Because you’re not just “the wife” or “the husband.” You’re not just a “dependent.” You’re a whole person. You deserve fulfillment, joy, growth, and ownership of your own path.

And if anyone tells you otherwise? Thank them for their opinion (or don't)—and then go do whatever sets your soul on fire anyway.